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The First Release of the Groan Within

2:12 in the morning, and I just woke up sweating. A rare occurrence of mine, but I just learned that when the Lord whispers to me (and He is now) I sweat or burn in some way shape or form.

Life has been varying inversely related to the function f(x)=((sinx)/(x^(3)).

It truly has been an intense, insane, radical, sinusoidal, joyous, crappy, exciting, BURNING in the place of prayer, and a lackluster amount of fasting over the past few months. So much so that I am completely and utterly shaken by what God has done, and is continuing to do within. I apologize for not coming forth in blogs like I have been over the past 6 months but rather I have been in a place of hiding. A place where I have no clue what is going on anymore.

Lately, life is so hard. It’s certainly good, but God is better! I’m in a place where it feels dry, yet it’s not. I haven’t been fasting like I used to, which is a clear problem for me. And I don’t know why that is. I think that is the reason I’ve hit this wall and I’m realizing something more about Jesus; particularly about what is truly inside of my own heart. I’ve come to realize, and even hit, a revelation spot of what it really means to reap what you sow. It came to me through a prophetic message 2 weeks ago. I’ve had a few moments where I’ve been caught up in the Ephesians 1:16-19 spot where Paul prays in the sense where he’s caught up in Revelation Chapter 4 throne room of God. Lately I’ve had a rare desire to visit the moon, not quite sure where that comes from. I believe it is the deeper desire and sense of missing my eternal home. Yes, I frequently miss heaven and I’ve yet to experience it.

The Lord just put in my spirit something about a “spoken theology”. I have no clue what that is or what that even means. One of the many reasons I’ve been in hiding is for things like this. Recently as well I’ve had a real heart for missions, and youth ministry put into my spirit. More than usual. I’m becoming and learning the art of understanding and feeling for people just as Jesus feels for them. It really is quite the learning experience yet sucks because it forces me to put down a way of life I’m “comfortable” with and move into a life led by Jesus.

This is what I’ve been dealing with for the past 4 months now– really since the beginning of this 2008 year. I believe it’s time for us as a church to shut down business as usual and move into a life of reality and birthing the things of God. Business as usual IS NOT ENOUGH ANYMORE!!! It sucks, I know, because this is where I am. A set of “Christian rules” is not enough anymore, and it’s not enough for the generation to come. My summary of this year so far is God shutting down my ideas of what religion looks like, opening my eyes (for this is the crisis of the hour and I don’t want to be caught asleep on the day He returns), and Him redefining His purpose in my life. I’m at a loss for what that is but I do have an idea. It’s whisperings and encounters like right now that I have to live by and trust. I apologize for being cryptic but even I don’t know what it is the Lord wants.

I’m wrestling with a college I’ve been accepted to and it’s nice because it’s what my parents want, but I’m getting this vibe from the Lord it’s not what he wants. Yet, part of me wants to believe it is. I want to burn in the place of prayer. I want to do missions. I want to be apart of youth ministry. Most importantly I want what God wants in my life—> that is my number OneThing I desire. The struggle lies in that my parents already paid admissions fee ($100) for my spot at this college. I feel called to an IHOP school. But now the Lord has introduced Master’s Commission again (an idea I had thought was my calling). I dismissed that idea after I learned about IHOP [long story that I’m not getting into now]. I laugh at that though because I love how Jesus calls us to do everything we don’t want to do, and die to ourselves. No matter what happens I’m believing for an answer from God before I graduate on what I need to be doing. I have a feeling I’m going to once again disappoint my parents.

I’ll end up happy in the end; God will get His way! And for that I carry on, linger and tarry, watch and wait, burn and press.

Noga

P.S. Sorry this is longer than I intended, but I have to say one last thing.

I believe I’m going to Masters Commission! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahha

I LOVE YOU LORD!!!!!!