Christ's Light

The Dangers of the Heart’s Love

What do you do when a fervent love burns in your heart and you long to hold on to it an d protect it with all that you have? So much so that anger and love get released within one verbal, physical, and psychological manner? Be careful though because unleashing your heart upon the love that you are protecting can have ultimate devastating effects to your overall relationship with that love. Tears of joy, tears of happiness, tears of sadness streaming down your face and months (even years) can flash before you and everything that you’ve stored up and hoped to use and rejoice upon and remember later can come crashing down in this holy violent moment. People this is the reality of the many dangers of your heart’s love.

After an evening conversation with my dearest love Sarina I experienced this heart wrenching activity. I long to protect and even keep her safe after so much of getting to know her over these past 9 months. Knowing the ins and outs of how she functions, her ways of speech, why she dresses the way she does, what she thinks about herself, what’s pretty [(:], and even what drives her to say what she says really has a unique feeling and rush that comes upon me when I’m around her. It’s something I’ve never experienced before and I believe in America we call that love.

I’ve come to realize her past has a lot to do with how I treat her. She was always a tender one to me and I really do say and mean the fact that I’m keeping her around forever!!! There are people and “projects” that come around but none compare to the moments we have together and I mean that without being cliché. So many other loves and attractions don’t even compare to the memories I have with her, and I’m still getting to know her even now. And sometimes I feel like I’m holding her back and keeping her from doing what she really wants to do. I’ve been told I’m not and this time around I’m choosing to believe it with all of my heart. It’s time I put down my insecurities, and my trust issues. I’m letting go, but holding on. Things I will not speak of on the internet but in person; people I get in the way of, things I ruin, just life issues in general. She means more to me than a laptop computer, or a car, or even a house, and sometimes my job. Jesus is the first and foremost, and after that comes her (incorporated with), friends and family. She’s loved all around and it’s the first of my many list of reasons (which really does exist by the way) of why I hold on to her. It’s how I can go back to her day after day, and night after night; even nights like tonight.

My heart is a dangerous place. If you are relying on me to get you somewhere I cannot. I am but a breath, my life is but a breath, a gust of wind, a drop of water, a speck of dust, a sprinkle on an ice cream sundae. I am purposeless here on this earth without my Saviour. And tonight I realize it is moments like this that draws me closer and even deeper with my love for Sarina.

These tender dangerous moments draw my heart closer and more intimately in love her with than she will ever know. She can read this and never really feel the impact a screw -up I make on a night like this can really have upon my deeper driving intimacy with her. No: this note is not a treatise on the fact that we are breaking up, in fact THAT IS FAR FROM THE TRUTH. If you want to truly be honest and ask my opinion on the matter I think it has brought us closer together. At least from my end anyway. Yes I said some things that I probably shouldn’t have said and took things a bit too far, and made them more tender than was really necessary.

I just saw the product of an unleashed holy violent heart burning for her.

And it’s the moment like this that I come to my purpose for this whole note: God’s will for love in our lives (as the Lord’s prayer is quoted) is God’s heart and will and love are holy violent in action. It’s the reason the kingdom of heaven reacts with violence. He is jealous for us. He is ravished with just one glance from our eyes upon Him. He loves us. He has set us as a seal upon His heart. And when you pray for God’s will to be done in your life you are asking for God’s intent to be violent to come down and take precedence over your weak unbelieving heart. And tonight I come before everyone and I say keep me in love with Jesus as well as in love with Sarina. I’ll never doubt my love for either one.

I have realized (especially after tonight) that my girlfriend is the cause for this exciting, depressing, longing, love that I have stored up in my heart. And I couldn’t be happier with where I am at in life and with her. I’m joyous. And I’m going to wake her up at 5:30 am. I work at 6 am. It is now 12:12 am, make a wish eh?

My wish is to be with her the rest of my life. I love all of you and I’m really surprised if any of you took the time to read all of this and comment.

Noga